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missed0memory
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Name: stefani
Location: Abilene, Texas, United States
Birthday: 6/14/1960
Gender: Female
Interests: reading, writing, drama, art, *music*, banging my head against the wall.... fun stuff like that :)
Expertise: haha
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  lil Night Owl101
Member Since:
12/28/2005
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| You have been here for me whenever I needed you.
When I needed to vent.
When I wanted to gush.
When I just wanted to shoot the breeze and write a bit of fluff.
Now, I have ignored and neglected you.
for this I am sorry.
Many things have been happening lately. Things I haven't told you about.
I'm moving and hopefully going to college.
I celebrated my 21st birthday (finally) in VEGAS!
I'm not sure where Tyson and I stand.
I would say that I'm planning on writing an extra long blog, just for you but I'm afraid that would be a lie.
My writing has taken a backseat to other things. (Things that i've mentioned above)
I'm not sure if things will ever be the same between us Xanga. I hate to tell you this but I think I've moved on.
Now don't worry, I'm sure I'll get enraged, passionate, or bored sometime soon.
And when that time comes I know you'll still be here waiting for me with open arms.
But for now I'm going to say goodbye. | | |
| This is when I would call you.
This is when I would complain about Tyson being a jerk and my room mate being a messy drama-queen. I'd complain about my mom driving me crazy and my dad ignoring me. I'd tell you about my money problems and my fears about the future. I'd confide that I might have to drop out of college so that I can get another job and pay my rent.
I'd bitch about the idiots at work and the clueless customers. I'd whine about how I don't get a yearly raise like I was promised, but instead get to stay at minimum wage. I'd tell you that my hours are getting cut and my classes are getting harder.
I'd tell you that I don't know if I can do this anymore.
i'd probably cry and feel sorry for myself.
Then I'd listen to you talk some sense into me. You'd use reason and logic to make me feel better and promise that things will get better. You'd crack a joke about how Super Stef can be defeated my such petty things.
I'd smile and say that you're right. I'd take a deep breath and think to myself "I can do this,"
I miss you. Come home soon. | | |
| The CD ejected from the computer after it had finished burning the album I had just purchased on Itunes. I grabbed a nearby permanent and wrote the band at the top of the CD. Then, quickly wrote down the name of the album on the bottom half the of the CD. I laid down the marker and smiled a little to myself.
The title of the album read, "Everyone You Love Will Be Happy Soon"
As i read the words I can't help but hope that they will be true. | | |
| There are so many other emotions I could--and probably should--be feeling right now. I could be worried about her sanity and her health. I could be hopeful that she'll make a full recovery and not have to be in so much pain. I could be sad that she would feel the need to do something so drastic. But the only emotion I'm feeling is anger--complete and utter fury.
How fucking dare she.
How dare she put me through something like that.
How dare she make me think that I was going to lose one of my best friends--someone I consider a sister.
How dare she.
I got the call sometime around two a.m. I was still half asleep as I answered my phone groggily, "Hello?" I asked.
"Go check on Holly right now," was his urgent reply.
I didn't pause to think about why he would be worried. I had been through this with her before. Obediently, I flew from my bed and dashed across the small apartment. Her bathroom door was closed and locked, but her light was turned on. I knocked hesitantly at first. No answer. I knocked again, this time with more urgency. As I waited for an answer, her ex told me about their last conversation. She had threatened to kill herself. I attempted to peer through the crack in the door to see if my room mate was inside. I could just barely make out her silhouette standing in front of her sink. At that angle, I had a better view of her shadow cast against the wall. The shadow fell to the floor.
After that, adrenaline must have kicked in because the next thing I knew I had kicked the door in and was standing inside her bathroom, listening as she told me about the three bottles of prescription medication and the bottle of Nighquil she had taken.
I hung up on her ex without another word and dialed 9-1-1.
This was probably one of the worst nights of my life. At first I was sympathetic and concerned, but after hearing her be so caviler about what she put her friends and family through, I just feel pissed.
How dare she try to throw away so much.
How dare she not think about what she would do to her friends and her family.
How dare she try to leave me behind. | | |
| What is your breaking point? When do you finally realize that you can't take anymore? When do you finally realize that your mind has raced to the point where it can go no further?
You feel as though you are sitting on the top of speeding train watching everything and every one pass by in a blur of colors that have no texture or firmness. Noises you once recognized like laughter or words just make up a deafening den all around you.
You realize that all you want is to leap from that train. You want to experience the fall, and you wait for the impact. You know that it will hurt when you hit rock bottom, but you can't take the ride anymore.
There is a light outside my window. When I try to sleep it glares into my room, casting a bright light on my empty life. I don't like what I see. All that it shows is void of worth. A pile of stuff that has no meaning to me anymore.
Its not healthy to have the source of your happiness be a single person. A person is imperfect. A person can let you down. A person can leave, desert you, make you feel as though you never mattered and never will. People are inconstant. They come into your life and change you, but they don't stay. In their wake they leave wounds that either heal or dont. The ones that don't can be ripped open again at a moments notice and you can feel the pain of when they hurt you as severely as if it had happened only a few moments ago. Flashes of the moments you shared together--good and bad--play through your head like a painful song stuck on repeat.
You remembered when you were cherished and loved; you remember the steady hand that guided you; you remember the strong embrace that kept you safe; you remember the gentle touch that comforted you. Most of all, you remember the times when those things were absent. You remember the feeling of loneliness--the most heart-retching emotion that can be felt--stealthily creeping into your subconscious . You remember the cold realization that things had changed and the knowledge that nothing would ever be quite the same.
When do you finally break? | | |
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